Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
