you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
