Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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