Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize