I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
