someone get that fucking seahorse.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
