I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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