Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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