in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize