alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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