She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
