Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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