If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
