Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
