So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
