Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
