I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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