Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
