just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
