My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
