i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sext me about skeletons
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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