Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
