Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
