it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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