There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He felt like a one man threesome
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
