That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
