I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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