He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
