I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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