I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
