Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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