so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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