My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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