the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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