So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
