Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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