You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
