i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize