Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
