She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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