Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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