I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
