i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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