everyone is single if you try hard enough
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
