and you said cock pushups were impossible
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your cock deserves a montage
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
