Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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