I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
