my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
