The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
