K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
