Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
