Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
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