yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
