I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
