just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
