she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
