that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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