My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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